Dispatch #2 from Entrepreneur Island

My most vulnerable post yet ~~ Reprogramming my relationship to Money

Darling readers, this post gave me such a wave of anxiety after publishing. I thought many times about taking it down and even made the post private for a few hours because it felt too vulnerable to be shared widely. Some of what I wrote in here will be news to my friends and family. But much of my own reticence stems from the fact that I have resolved so much in my life AND I am still (forever?!) actively working through wounds of rejection and my own feelings of safety as they relate to being Seen online. So, if the post below resonates with you, let me know. Your feedback and encouragement are sacred and important to me.

Being an entrepreneur is the most confrontational work I’ve ever taken on.

For months, I’ve talked about reprogramming my relationship to money — about waking up in a panic because I know exactly how much savings I have and how many days until that savings (ostensibly) runs out — and news flash, we’re still kinda here.

I’m currently on this bizarro seesaw where my logical mind wants to remind me, often, that we have no consistent income, that our bills have not changed, that we cannot survive on Matt’s salary alone, that believing in myself and in my dream is selfish, reckless, and worst of all, dumb.

But my heart, ohhh my heart, knows that this is the only path forward for us now. We’ve had this taste of freedom - of living our true purpose and getting paid for it - and there’s no going back.

Seesaw, seesaw, back and forth: relying on EGI as your only source of income is naive and short-sighted; you need to go back to corporate America; you’re a fool for thinking you can pull this off versusssss money is an infinite resource and can come to me in infinite ways; EGI is my purpose, so my success is inevitable; I am blessed and divinely guided.

How do I get off this ride?

There is only the work, the literal effort, of adopting new beliefs and behaviors about money. This is my current confrontation of entrepreneurship: engaging with my hardwired beliefs about abundance, in order to rewrite them.

Growing up, we were the poorest people I knew.

I understood, vaguely, that there were children in other countries who were starving — you know, the ones we saw on TV — but my childbrain was more concerned with the fact that my house was small and broken while my friend’s was nice and big.

My mom, bless her, was young and doing it all on her own. She just couldn’t afford to get rid of the mold in the bathroom or buy new furniture or pay for dance classes. I had all my basic needs met: warm bed to sleep in, food on the table, clothes that fit, etc. But perception is everything. I didn’t *feel* taken care of. I felt furious and ashamed. There was so much money around me: my grandparents had it, my best friends had it, my cousins had it… so why couldn’t I?

I remember my mom taking my dad to court for child support and then being told that he lied about his income so he didn’t have to pay. This back-and-forth went on for years. I was enraged. I felt OWED, entitled, vengeful that everyone around me seemed to have everything they needed and more, while we were having to make do with scraps. Why didn’t my dad want to help us? What was wrong with me?

This anger, sadness, confusion turned me into someone who lied about their background. In middle school, kids found out where I lived and the whispers began, “Did you know she’s poor?” High school was worse. I kept everyone at arm’s length, so I couldn’t be hurt again and spent four years feeling lonely and ashamed. After high school, I got a full academic scholarship to the University of Alabama and tried to start over. At 18, I did okay pretending I could afford my sorority dues, until they nearly reported me to a debt collector for non-payment. I secretly dropped out after my sophomore year and lied to my friends about why. It was easier to lie than to risk rejection.

After college, I moved to Vietnam. When people assumed was rich, I didn’t bother to correct them. The pretense made me feel safe. Suddenly my teacher’s salary was enough to afford me a nice apartment, a motorbike, meals out with friends, travel, spa treatments... everything I had ever wanted. I began to grow up and realize just how privileged I was, and always had been.

Even as my financial situation changed, the rage and entitlement stayed with me. It wasn’t until I moved back to the States during the pandemic that I started to heal my anger and wounds of rejection. It’s been a rollercoaster five years of studying breathwork, tarot, astrology; of having honest conversations with my mom about my childhood; of learning how to love myself as I actually am, not as I wish I were. It’s an ongoing journey, tbh, but we’re evolving every day. Woo.

Now I live in New York City, in a two-bedroom apartment a few blocks from Central Park with a husband I love very very much. Talk about privilege. So what’s the problem?

The problem is that without my “safe” marketing job, I’m having to reconcile the lies of my upbringing with the truth about money, so that I can find success as an entrepreneur. For 30-something years, I’ve believed that—

• money is for other people

• the only way to get money is to work hard

• it’s your fault if you’re poor

• it’s shameful to be poor

• blessings may come, but they are unpredictable and not to be relied on

Now that I’m working full-time as an entrepreneur, I have to adjust my beliefs of what’s possible. For me that looks like: Reminding myself everyday that the things I learned growing up no longer have to be true. Believing that I can write a whole new set of rules for my relationship to money. Using Doechii’s God and Dr. Clara’s recession talk and The Artist’s Way and breathwork and art and mushrooms and mantra and tears and exercise and writing and ENGAGING, as often as the need arises, to re-shape my money narrative.

I am choosing to trust that this process is working for my highest good, that I am replacing my income (and more) from my corporate job and building a sustainable, thriving business that gives just as much as it receives. I tell myself often, I’m just waiting for the 3D to catch up to all the work going on internally.

My success is inevitable. My success is inevitable. My success is inevitable.

If you’re reading this: Your success is inevitable. Your success is inevitable. Your success is inevitable.

Retraining our brains is not *easy,* but it is possible. We are all responsible for our own beliefs, because our beliefs are a choice. The tough, confrontational work I choose to do now is to reshape my own ideas about what’s possible for myself and for others, because we can have success and joy and love and money outside the confines of capitalism. And so it’s my responsibility to honor that belief by showing up and putting in the work, even if it’s freaking exhausting at times.

I know now what a privilege it is to even have access to this choice — and I really am grateful.

May my path forward be a light for others ∞

MUAH.

Reprogramming Resources:

• Abundance Spells playlist: songs are spells, yall. Lyrics + intention + emotion = transformative power.

• The Artist’s Way: this book is helping me believe that a more creative way of living is possible. I’m on Week 5 now and Week 6 is all about abundance, so hopefully I’ll report back with a fat check soon lolol.

• Heart Centered Clarity: my monthly group astrology and breathwork session. The next one is Feb 18 to usher us into Pisces season and the theme is TRUST + SURRENDER.

• Nervous system reset: Ashley at Energy Archaeology sent an email a few days ago with a link to her Nervous System Autonomy meditation (free!). I listened in a time of intense fight-or-flight and it helped immensely.

• Mantra art: seeing my messages around my house help me stay in an energy of possibility and positivity. Send me a message to join my secret online artist collective hehe.